plazmah: Abstract circle and square with "plazmah" underneath (bones: brennan)
plaz-MAH ([personal profile] plazmah) wrote2007-06-07 05:39 pm
Entry tags:

Never Let Them Abuse Your Body

Title: One And One Makes Two, Not One
Author: [livejournal.com profile] plazmah
Rating: R
Fandom(s): Bones
Pairing(s): Brennan/Booth angst
Summary: Brennan tries, she really does, to make this work. But she can't change who she is, or the inevitable conclusion their relationship must reach.
Notes: Rated for a little bit of sex. Hooray for angst! Much thanks to [livejournal.com profile] carmen_sandiego for the beta. Enjoy!

---------------------------

She doesn't call him Seeley. The name sounds foreign on her lips, and even though she's always been good at learning new languages, this is one she cannot master. Booth seems to know the language of familiarity and intimacy so well, he sinks right into it, as if the fact that they are sleeping together has changed their relationship in some imperceptible way that she cannot fathom. Oh, she knows that things have certainly changed between them; there is no way she would allow herself the liberty of staring at him so openly before, a pleased smile gracing her features as his eyes pierce hers. But Brennan cannot adapt like he has, cannot see how their names have changed. He's still Booth and she's still Brennan and she wonders how he can call her Temperance every time he comes, their bodies slick with sweat and his breath hot against her cheek. Brennan, on the other hand, doesn't say anything at these heightened moments. At least not any words, only sighs and moans as he brings her to the edge, consumed by a feeling she tries too hard to quantify when her mind begins to wander.

He hasn't broached the topic and she has no idea whether he's noticed or not, whether it bothers him that she doesn't speak his name like he speaks hers. She knows Booth well enough now, but there are still certain things that elude her when it comes to his thoughts and reactions. Once again, she ponders those epic tales told in every culture, of lovers who were one in body and mind and soul. There is no rational explanation for how such a thing is possible, and she wonders if Booth will one day help her find the answers that she seeks.

Now, when they're not doing anything except lying with each other, content and naked, Brennan knows that she's given him more than she's ever given anyone before. But she can't give everything. That's not who she is. Temperance Brennan is an singular individual, independent of any other person on the planet, has been and always will be, no matter how much she loves the man laying next to her. He gazes at her with such an intense look in his eyes that she feels like she's drowning and being burned at the same time.

---

It's like an exquisite torture, almost, watching herself from the outside as she sabotages her own chance at happiness. Then again, it wasn't much of a chance to begin with. Booth has changed her for the better, it's true. But there's only so much she can change. As Booth himself once said, a tiger cannot change its stripes. (Obviously not; a tiger's stripes are the direct result of a millenia of specific genetic recombination and there's no known way to alter something as detailed as superficial markings on a large mammal without completely disturbing said mammal's DNA.) She is the tiger and her stripes cannot be changed, no matter how long she hopes the routine of being with Booth will sink into her skin. There is a piece of her that is unchanging and resolute, something that goes deeper than the mere trifles of relationships, beyond the superficial trappings of societal expectations. It is what makes her who she is, and she cannot erase her past and her personality at the whim of another human being.

Theirs is not a fairy-tale romance. There is no happily ever after. They knew, going in, that there would be difficulties. She becomes angry when he abruptly leaves her alone with Parker and he gets angry when she abruptly leaves for a conference in Tuscon. She says things that she doesn't really mean, things that are meant to hurt him. Neither of them are innocent; he strikes back at her as well, his words cutting through her skin like a dull knife, severing arteries and spilling veins. They fume and fight and needlessly make things difficult for each other, because as much as they love each other they cannot find that elusive harmony that usually comes to other people.

It's not that Brennan is looking for harmony. Not with Booth. She knew that from the very beginning. And maybe that is their very downfall.

---

"This isn't working." She's the one to speak the words. This isn't enough. This isn't fair, neither to you nor myself. She doesn't say anything else, simply watches Booth's face. His reaction is a mix of resignation and determination that she cannot fully comprehend. She takes it as a sign that she's been right all along, this is the right choice. If she still can't read or speak the language of his body and mind, then what have they gained from this? Whatever this was.

He must have known, deep down inside. Quietly, he closes the door behind him and the silence in her apartment is profound. Brennan sits down on her couch and watches the sun's rays move across the wall, once again finding solace in her unbroken solitude.

--------------end--------------

[identity profile] trilliane.livejournal.com 2007-06-07 09:56 pm (UTC)(link)
Why is their love so angsty? It makes me want to cry. First I make an angst wallpaper and then you write this angst fic and everything is angsty! *bursts into tears*

What makes this fic great is that it's so in character. I definitely think this is what would become of a B/B relationship in its early stages.

*hugs*
ext_50: Amrita Rao (Amrita Rao)

[identity profile] plazmah.livejournal.com 2007-06-07 11:10 pm (UTC)(link)
*HUGS* Thank you! I think the angst thing's GOT to be a coincidence! Too much angst makes me a sad panda, especially when it comes to B/B. :P

[identity profile] xhio86.livejournal.com 2007-06-08 02:41 pm (UTC)(link)
yeah,I agree with trilliane: wonderful fic, really in-character, maybe that could be "a B/B relationship in its EARLY stages"...here we need a sequel ;)
But not so angsty. Please. They're so cute together... :)

[identity profile] starlite-diner.livejournal.com 2007-06-07 11:32 pm (UTC)(link)
Beautiful and angsty. Cut a knife right through me, why don't you? *tears* LOL. Amazing work.
ext_50: Amrita Rao (Default)

[identity profile] plazmah.livejournal.com 2007-06-08 12:37 am (UTC)(link)
Thank you. :)

[identity profile] a2zmom.livejournal.com 2007-06-08 12:55 am (UTC)(link)
Very well done and very, very true to Brennan.
ext_50: Amrita Rao (Default)

[identity profile] plazmah.livejournal.com 2007-06-11 07:35 pm (UTC)(link)
Thanks!

[identity profile] wasabi-girl1.livejournal.com 2007-06-08 02:56 am (UTC)(link)
Wow, ok, first of all, Smi, you are always so good at getting into Brennan's head, yay.

Also, it was angstacular. :D
ext_50: Amrita Rao (Amrita Rao)

[identity profile] plazmah.livejournal.com 2007-06-11 07:35 pm (UTC)(link)
Getting into Brennan's angstacular head is what I do best! ;)
ext_2333: "That's right,  people, I am a constant surprise." (Default)

[identity profile] makd.livejournal.com 2007-06-08 05:14 am (UTC)(link)
well done, and in character, at this stage of their relationship. JMO, but I think if they were to wait longer, she'd be more secure - and would be more willing to speak his language.

Ah... doesn't matter. I love those two.
ext_50: Amrita Rao (Default)

[identity profile] plazmah.livejournal.com 2007-06-11 07:35 pm (UTC)(link)
Heee, thank you!

[identity profile] fivil.livejournal.com 2007-06-08 07:46 am (UTC)(link)
that Booth seems - small typo, T should be capital. :)

Aw this hurt my heart. But it was awesome and totally inspiring me to finish my post-wedding B/B with some happier contents.

It's so possible, these unhappy endings but I'm an optimist and like to think that under certain circumstances, they'd totally be the OTP of all OTPs, happily ever after etc. The potential for both endings is there.
ext_50: Amrita Rao (Slow Day)

[identity profile] plazmah.livejournal.com 2007-06-11 07:37 pm (UTC)(link)
Oops, thanks for that.

Thanks for the feedback; happier B/B is always a great alternative. :)

[identity profile] sezzie-dee.livejournal.com 2007-06-08 08:32 am (UTC)(link)
Ooh, it's been awhile since I've read some good angst. This is exactly where I see them headed if they ever did get together; they know too well where to hit each other to hurt the hardest and there'd be an element of self destruction there from the very beginning, I think. Theirloveissuchatrainwreckomg.

I particularly liked this:

As Booth himself once said, a tiger cannot change its stripes. (Obviously not; a tiger's stripes are the direct result of a millenia of specific genetic recombination and there's no known way to alter something as detailed as superficial markings on a large mammal without completely disturbing said mammal's DNA.) She is the tiger and her stripes cannot be changed, no matter how long she hopes the routine of being with Booth will sink into her skin.

The last paragraph is very poignant, too. Awesome job.
ext_50: Amrita Rao (SRK and Priety Zinta)

[identity profile] plazmah.livejournal.com 2007-06-11 07:38 pm (UTC)(link)
Thank you so much!

[identity profile] theempath.livejournal.com 2007-06-08 12:55 pm (UTC)(link)
Adored this. This is my favourite angsty Bones fic.
ext_50: Amrita Rao (SRK and Priety Zinta)

[identity profile] plazmah.livejournal.com 2007-06-11 07:38 pm (UTC)(link)
Thank you :)

[identity profile] anewlife.livejournal.com 2007-06-09 02:13 pm (UTC)(link)
Heh, so I've lost my Bones!fic virginity now. I really liked this. I can totally see this happening, which is probably why I'm so much a fan of the UST. Once they actually get together, there's a good chance they'll be stupid and screw it up.
ext_50: Amrita Rao (Amrita Rao)

[identity profile] plazmah.livejournal.com 2007-06-11 07:39 pm (UTC)(link)
Awesome, I'm so glad you liked this.

there's a good chance they'll be stupid and screw it up

If the show were anything like real life, that's my bet too. ;)

[identity profile] basilio-the-cat.livejournal.com 2007-06-10 08:17 am (UTC)(link)
Well done. Very realistic. I especially liked the tiger part :D It's so like her (and Zack) to wander away from the topic just to clear up a cliche saying :D

Loved it :D
ext_50: Amrita Rao (Kung-Fu Hustle)

[identity profile] plazmah.livejournal.com 2007-06-11 07:59 pm (UTC)(link)
Thank you. :)

[identity profile] shadesofkate.livejournal.com 2007-06-18 12:58 am (UTC)(link)
Don't do this to me just before I go to work!
*tries to stop the tears welling*
This was beautiful hun :)